Gender Neutral
by WFROSE
Summary: Yeah, keep on moving folks, your time would be better spent elsewhere than reading this...
1. you people say I'm insane

'Gender Neutral'  
  
Ranma was nearly salivating at the prospect, it was right there, right before him, nearly in reach. He would have been sceptical about it, since he had been through many potential cures, only to have them slip through his hands, or not work. But, this time, he had been presented proof, when Ryoga talked to Akane about his feelings, right when a spontanious downpour erupted.  
  
The details after that were lost to the pigtailed boy, since his only focus was on what happened to Ryoga's curse. The younger Saotome's rival in the arts, and once-rival for Akane, unhesitatingly told Ranma of his cure, deciding he owed him for his part in the lost casket of drowned man water, plus begrudging gratitude for staying his place for his one on one with Akane.  
  
The old man in the turbin sitting on the stone throne within the deep cavern massaged his scraggly goatee, as he looked over the young man before him. "I can give it to you, sonny, but I don't think you really want it..."  
  
"Yeah, Yeah! I want it, I want it!" Ranma responded, enthuesiatically, giving his best dewey eyes.  
  
"No, really, I'm not sure you want this..." the old man countered, holding up the vial full of Jusenkyo-rectifying goodness.  
  
"If it means not being a girl again, I'll TAKE IT!" Ranma proclaimed adimantly. He was getting tired of arguing with the old man.  
  
"Hmm," the old man mused, "You sound positive, but I'm not sure-"  
  
"WILL YOU JUST GIVE ME THE DAMN CURE?!?"  
  
The old man readjusted his turbin, having almost been blown off his head by the outburst, "Well, if you know what you want..." He tossed the vial to Ranma, incidentally tossing just well too short. He was an old man, so he kinda threw like a sissy.  
  
"ACK!!!" Ranma made a hasteful dive, feeling time slow down. His fingertips were but a foot away from the glass vial, as the vial was less than six inches from the stone floor. Make that three inches... one inch...  
  
"Nice catch there, youngster!" the old man crowed, clapping at the impromptu entertainment. With a glare, Ranma stood up, opening the stopper to the vial. "But that isn't the real cure."  
  
Ranma stopped, as he was about to tip it into his mouth, "Huh?"  
  
"That's just some liquid Centrium Complete for an old man, gotta keep those vitimins handy, ya know?" Ranma's hooded stare was his reply. With a sigh, the old man pulled out a second vial, "Here ya go, son, ya earned it for making an old man laugh."  
  
The old guy blinked, as a gust of wind blew by, and the pigtailed martial artist went missing, "Hmm, musta been in a hurry..."  
  
_________________  
  
"Never gonna be a girl again, never gonna be a girl again!" Ranma chanted, harmonically, as he quickly pulled the stopper on the vial, and dumped the contents down his throat. He felt that aura from the Jusenkyo curse he never knew was there change within him, and with a shout of joy, he jumped into the nearest body of water he came across, after exiting the cave.  
  
That shout of joy turned into a terrorized scream.  
  
_________________  
  
"Ranma!" Akane exclaimed, as the pigtailed martial artist, who had been missing for several days, pulled her aside, and quickly lead her into the girl's bathroom. She was about to ask him how his search for a cure went, before she realized that 'he' was still short, and 'he' still had vibrant red hair.  
  
With great urgency, Ranma pulled Akane into an empty stall, and locked it. After the door was secured, the redhead turned to Akane, "Um... Akane? I... well... you know that cure I went looking for?"  
  
Akane nodded dumbly, before she allowed a sad frown to cross her face, "It didn't work, huh?"  
  
Ranma turned away, and coughed, "Well... um..." With a groan of fustration, Ranma grabbed Akane's shoulders, "You promise you won't scream, okay?"  
  
"Ranma, what's wrong?" Akane enquired, feeling no small amount of concern rising within her.  
  
Steeling the youthful face presented to the raven-haired girl, Ranma took a deep breath, and dropped the black kung-fu slacks after unfastening the belt, along with the boxers.  
  
Akane instictively followed the motion, and before she could turn away, and slam Ranma into the more rural parts of Japan for being a disgusting pervert, she froze, and then blinked. Then... she blinked again, and then blinked some more.  
  
Ranma stood by, nervously, as Akane dumbly fell to her knees, staring with an incredulous expression. Before the tension could get to the pigtailed martial artist, Akane looked at Ranma with fearful eyes, and pointed, "Wha...?"  
  
Ranma sighed, it was already hard enough as it was without explaining. "Well, you see, that cure... well..." Ranma pointed downwards giving Akane a pitiful look.  
  
"Bu... bu... h... how... I mean..." Akane studdered, unable to wrap her mind around the surreal image presented to her.  
  
"The old guy said there wasn't any cure that he knew of," Ranma stated, before darkening in mood at the recollection of the old man telling Ranma 'I told you so.'  
  
"I mean, but th-there's... THERE'S NOTHING THERE!" Akane screeched in panic. It was a nightmare that no being could ever fathom, and she was staring right at it, live as day.  
  
"I kinda noticed," Ranma stated in a dejected tone.  
  
"But how..." Akane shot to standing, grabbing Ranma around the shoulders, "BUT HOW DO YOU EVEN... YOU KNOW? I MEAN HOW DO YOU GO TO THE BATHROOM?!?"  
  
Ranma grimmaced, "Ah, I'd rather not discuss that, it's kinda embarrassing..."  
  
Akane backed away, and leaned against the wall of the opposite side of the stall, "I don't believe this..."  
  
Ranma turned away, and coughed again, "Um... that's not all..."  
  
Akane blinked, and gave Ranma her fullest incredulous stare, "What do you mean, 'that's not all'?"  
  
At the question, Ranma stoically pulled out a thermos, and upended the warm contents onto the mop of red hair, causing it to become black.  
  
_________________  
  
Every student in Furinkan turned to the direction of Akane's despairing, soul-wretched, unbearing scream, as it echoed through out school grounds, and a good part of the Furinkan district... 


	2. It's alright, really

"Gender Neutral'  
  
Akane furiously stormed into the Cat Cafe, dragging Ranma by the pigtail. Not even stopping to dodge Mousse's swinging weapon, as he thought it was Ranma himself rampaging in, Akane backhanded the sword, and punched the male Amazon in the face in barely two swift movements.  
  
Cologne observed the rather brisk battle, rather impressed with the girl's current efficiency. Then again, Akane Tendou did look extremely pissed at the moment.  
  
Cologne didn't have to wait long, as Akane suddenly used Ranma's pigtail to stand him before the Amazon Elder. Once Ranma was on his feet, Akane pointed to his crotch, "FIX IT. NOW!"  
  
Cologne decided that this would definitely be interesting, "Pardon me, child, but I can't say I'm aware-"  
  
Akane turned around, and jerked down Ranma's pants.  
  
"-of the problem," Cologne finished, almost dazed at the sight. She quickly shook her head, getting herself together, "Alright, Son-in-law... how in the hell did you manage this?"  
  
"Jerk thought he found a cure..." Akane grumbled, holding onto her anger, as it was the only thing keeping her from totally freaking out.  
  
Bringing out her pipe, Cologne began to light it with a shaky hand, before deciding that what she currently had on her was far from powerful enough, "Excuse me, I must go to the cellar for a moment."  
  
Ranma glared at Akane, as he pulled his pants back on, "Was that necessary?"  
  
Akane turned to shout at Ranma; her mouth wide open and ready to shrill any rebuke that came to mind. All she was capable were unintelligable cacks and chokes. With a hooded gaze, Ranma refixed his rope belt, "You know? The way you're acting, you would think that it belonged to you..."  
  
Akane raised a finger, jamming it into Ranma's nose, as the strangled noises she was making became louder. Ranma rolled his eyes, "You're being wayyy too spastic here..."  
  
"SPASTIC? *SPASTIC*?!?" Akane jerked down Ranma's pants, and knelt before the pigtailed boy...girl... somethingrather, "YOUR PENIS IS *GONE*, POOF, BECOME AWOL!! HOW IN THE KAMI'S NAME ARE YOU TAKING THIS SO CALMLY?!?"  
  
"What pervert girl screa-" Both Ranma and Akane turned to look at Shampoo, as she entered the restaurant from making a delivery. Noting Ranma's chagrinned expression, Akane's nearly hysterical one, and their position, Shampoo came to a conclusion, and suddenly was holding her favored bonbori maces.  
  
"WAIT! YOU HAVE IT ALL WRONG!" Ranma shouted, quickly turning to ward off the enraged Amazon. That proved unnecessary, as Shampoo paused, her expression frozen, before suddenly falling backwards like an improperly balanced statue.  
  
"Well, that was easy enough," Ranma replied, scratching the back of his head.  
  
"Ranma..." the pigtailed boy was suddenly reminded of Akane's presence, "I'm happy that you don't seem to find NOT HAVING A DICK A PROBLEM... but it would help me greatly IF YOU WOULD SHOW SOME DAMN CONCERN!!!"  
  
Ranma blinked at Akane's vulgar outburst, "Well, I am pretty concerned, I mean I am rather attached to it."  
  
"I..." Akane let out a shuddering breath to calm herself, "I.. am going to hit you."  
  
Taking a step back, Ranma finally realized exactly how upset Akane was. If she was actually warning him, it probably ment that he wouldn't live through her assault. "Geez, you're acting like it was yours or something."  
  
"YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT IT WAS MINE!" Akane screeched, "I HAD PLANS FOR THAT THING!" Ranma would have blushed at her outburst, if he had the hormones to back the thought process Akane should have invoked. Suddenly, Akane jerked to meet him eye level, "Ranma, listen and listen good. You BETTER get your pecker back soon, or else..."  
  
Ranma gulped, but felt he had to remain defiant, "Or else, what?" That probably wasn't the best course of action, as Akane began to growl, and pulled back her free hand, forming it into a fist. Just before she could give him a quaint sample of 'or else', the sound wood clattering against wood alerted them to present company.  
  
"Ancestors, it's still missing," Cologne mumbled, before reaching down to pick up her pipe. Akane and Ranma both blinked, before looking down, and noticing Ranma's pants were still dropped from the second time Akane pulled them down.  
  
Akane released Ranma, allowing him to attempt to salvage an illusion of dignity, and pull his pants back up. Taking a deep breath of her still lit pipe, Cologne approached, forcably attempting to calm herself, "Now tell me, Son... er... Ranma..." damn it, these herbs still weren't strong enough, "...how did you come across this cure?"  
  
"Well, Ryoga told me about it, and..." Ranma gave a quick glance towards Akane, "he told me that he had seen it work."  
  
Cologne fortunately caught the way he was attempting to be coy about Ryoga's curse, "I see, so he... saw it wipe out the curse completely?"  
  
Ranma nodded, "Yeah, and I, uh, have no reason to doubt him."  
  
Cologne took a deeper drag from her pipe, "And where did you aquire this cure for your curse from?"  
  
"Some guy in a cave up north in Sendai. Old guy with a turbin."  
  
The Amazon Matriarch's eyes darkened, "Cave on Matsushida Bay?"  
  
Ranma was about to nod, before his face scrunched up, "You knew about it?"  
  
Cologne waited to reply, after she was finished hammering her forehead into the wall. "Why yes, yes I did," Cologne replied, in a falsely sweet voice, "I also knew that that rat bastard that sold you the concoction in the first place is a shyster and a fraud of the highest degree."  
  
"I dunno, seemed like it worked... in a way," Ranma commented, shrugging.  
  
The Amazon matriarch chose not to hit him, because she wasn't sure if she currently had the capacity to pull her blow. Instead, she settled for taking another puff from her pipe. "You see... Ranma. His 'cure' doesn't rid you of the curse, just eliminates aspects of it. You know... pig snouts, cat ears, duck bills..." Cologne glared at Ranma, "Gender specifics..."  
  
"YOU.... IDIOT!!!!" Ranma didn't catch Akane's outraged retort, as her shiny new steel plated 'walnut crusher' mallet caught him first.  
  
"That's right, Akane-dear," Cologne stated calmly, after taking a very liberal inhale from her reality altering 'medication', "Throttle some much needed sense into that thick skull of his.  
  
Akane was more than eager to comply, as she ignored Cologne, Shampoo's twitching body, and that tiny little voice in her head that said, "Maybe you're going a tad too far?"  
  
Because, quite frankly, there was no one around that wouldn't find this validating.  
  
_________________________  
  
"You stupid tomboy," Ranma groused, as he continued to bandage his head in the room he shared with his father, "I was unconcious after the first two hits already!" Akane was leaning against the wall, barely managing to restrain her unquenched lust to beat the holy Hell out of Ranma for the trauma he inflicted uponher.  
  
"Shut up, Ranma... just... shut up."  
  
"I mean, it's not like I'm some kind of perverted hermaphrodite freak or something," Ranma commented, trying to make light of things.  
  
"No, Ranma, this is much more disturbing."  
  
"Aw, will you just lay off it? The old Ghoul said she would look into it, I got some faith in her."  
  
"She's only doing it because she felt that it would be beyond basic humanity to leave you with the result of your idiocy," Akane commented, drolly.  
  
Ranma stood up, "Hey! So I made an impulsive mistake, alright? This is embarrassing enough as it is without you rubbing it in."  
  
"EMBARRASING? YOU'RE AS ANATOMICALLY CORRECT AS A BARBIE DOLL, AND THIS IS JUST 'EMBARRASSING'?!?"  
  
Ranma looked down, and back up at Akane, "I really wish you would stop doing that." Akane screamed, turning away from the pigtailed eunic with his pants and boxers around his ankles.  
  
"It's about damn time, the two of you-"  
  
Both Akane and Ranma turned to the door, realizing they had forgotten to close it, just as Nabiki was walking by. "The two of us, what?" Ranma asked, still waiting for Nabiki to finish her statement.  
  
Instead, the middle Tendou sister suddenly reappeared, on her hands and knees, with her face only inches from Ranma's crotch. She then looked up at Ranma with wide, shocked eyes, then back to his crotch, then back up to Ranma, and then his crotch, and then back to...  
  
"Where. Is. It. Saotome..."  
  
Ranma found himself a bit nervous under Nabiki's scruteny, "Ah.... where's what?"  
  
"DON'T PLAY GAMES WITH ME!!!" Nabiki shouted, as she grabbed the lapels of Ranma's shirt, and spittled saliva all over his face, "PUT IT BACK, NOW!!!"  
  
"I'm afraid it doesn't work that way," Ranma retorted wiping the spit from his face, "'Sides, it's not your problem."  
  
"This... is not up for discussion," Nabiki said, finally letting go, "Understand this, you... are a precious commodity in an area that rarely sees anything passing a sembalance of admirable masculinity. As much as we were scraping the barrel, you were the prime specimen in this town."  
  
Nabiki cleared her throat, and managed to bring her expression back to her typical business facade, "So, it is quite simple, you see. A good portion of my business is based off of your... assets..."  
  
Akane's eyes narrowed, "Who else have you been selling pictures of Ranma's shlong to?" They were supposed to be an exclusive deal.  
  
Nabiki seemed to ignore the question, "...not to mention, several residents of this household will forever be scarred by this tragic ordeal. For your peace of mind, and ours, this WILL be rectified. No ands, ifs, or buts. DO I MAKE MYSELF $&#@!%&$ CLEAR?!?!?"  
  
"All of you are overreacting Ranma replied, calmly, gently removing Nabiki's hands from his shirt.  
  
Akane spoke up, "I think our reaction is understandable SINCE YOUR HOOD ORDIMANT IS MISSING!!!"  
  
"Oh my, must you shout?" Kasumi asked, poking her slightly distressed head into Ranma's room. Immidiately, the strain was replaced with an oblivious smile, "Oh, hello Ranma, Akane." With that, she left the room.  
  
Ranma continued to stare after Kasumi, before looking at Akane, and then Nabiki; he was sure the eldest Tendou sister managed to accidently see his most recent dilemma, "See? At least Kasumi isn't acting like a basketcase."  
  
"Ranma....kun..." Nabiki gulped, attempting to use the honorary, "If you would, please go ask Kasumi what we're having for dinner, I think she went into her room."  
  
Ranma blinked at the request, and looked at Akane, who was currently covering her eyes with her right hand, and shaking as it was downcast. "Uh... alright."  
  
Ranma pulled up his pants, and walked to Kasumi's room, and walking into the still open door, "Hey, Kasumi, Nabiki wanted me to... ask..."  
  
"Hello again, Ranma. I'm afraid you guys will be on your own for dinner tonight," Kasumi said, as she stuck her head into the noose she had hanging from the ceiling fan in her room... 


	3. But it hurts me as a person

'Gender Neutral'  
  
Akane twitched, and twitched again. With a shuddering sigh, she willed herself calm; an attempt that was once again unsuccessful. She closed her eyes, attempting to meditate on her way to school; she was a peace, nothing could disturb her, nothing could touch her, she was the cal-  
  
"WOULD YOU STOP THE DAMN WHISTLING?!?" Akane finally screamed, looking up at the pigtailed... um... individual walking upon the fence with it's hamds behind its head, whistling without a care in the world.  
  
"Geez, excuuuse me!" Ranma replied,, glancing down cooly at the girl below, "Really, you've been uptight since the old ghoul told us we'ld have to wait until she found something out."  
  
"RANMA, WHAT THE SEVEN HELLS IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU ARE LACKING, AND YOU'RE OKAY WITH THIS?!?"  
  
Ranma shrugged, tossing his head so the strands of his black bangs swayed, "Well, if you got any ideas what to do in the meantime, we're waiting to hear them."  
  
Akane was busy making a mental note to herself to buy a sock, sewing needles, and stitch suter to 'rectify' the problem, leaving Ranma believing in his... her... whatever's small victory by her silence. Ranma's mental celebration was ceased by the introduction of liquids in lower temperatures.  
  
"Great, I swear I'm the gods' whipping boy."  
  
"BUT YOU'RE NOT EVEN A BOY!"  
  
Ranma's eyes rolled, "Akane, maybe you should calm down, alright?"  
  
"I... I... I just can't deal with this," Akane finally said, feeling a nervous breakdown coming on.  
  
"Akane? Hey, Akane, wait up!" Ranma jogged on the fence to catch up with Akane, who suddenly sped up when her fiance got within her proximity. Blinking, Ranma just ran faster, only to have Akane speed up again, "Come on, Akane, at least TRY to be mature about this!"  
  
At that, Akane broke out into a mad dash, glancing back fleetingly before bursting into top gear. At the sudden look of panic in her face, Ranma's concern grew. It didn't take the pigtailed martial artist long to catch up with her. Just as Akane was about to rush through the school gates, Ranma landed in front of her. "Akane? Now what's wrong with you?"  
  
"WHAT'S WRONG? WHAT'S WRONG?!? MY FIANCE MIDSECTION IS A GREAT PLAIN, AND YOU ASK ME WHAT'S WRONG? TAKE A GOOD DAMNED LOOK AT YOURSELF!" Akane shouted, as that panicked expression, now recognized as growing madness, swelled within her eyes.  
  
"Damn it, Akane, that's getting pretty old..." Ranma grumbled, about to bend over to pick up the pants about the pigtailed martial artist's ankles, just before a high pitched, feminine scream of utter terror startled both Akane out of her enveloping insanity, and Ranma's irritation. "Huh? Wha?"  
  
Both looked around rapidly, trying to locate the source of the scream; it ws a martial artist's duty to help those in trouble, after all. The majority of the students had entered the school at the first bell, leaving only Akane, Ranma, and Kuno.  
  
Looking at Akane first, Ranma then turned to Kuno, who had been standing silently and stoically, "Yo Kuno, you see who that-"  
  
Ranma jumped at Kuno's piercing, girlish shrill of teror. Blinking t the reaction, Ranma causiously waddled to Kuno, causing him to scream again. After a few steps, Ranma realized what was hindering her/his/whatever's movement. "Ah, sorry for flash'n ya," Ranma apologised, starting to pull the pants back up.  
  
"PIGTAILED GIRL HOW... WHA... IT...IT..." The kendoist screeched, pointing hysterically at Ranma's crotch.  
  
The pigtailed martial artist scratched the back of its head, chuckling nervously, "That? Ah... heh heh... it's nothing, really."  
  
"It... IT'S THAT FOUL SORCEROR'S DOING, IS IT NOT?" Kuno quickly rationalized in order to save his already frayed sanity, "FEAR NOT, FOR THE BLUE THUNDER OF FURINKAN HIGH SHALL WORK THRICEFOLD TO RECTIFY THIS UTTER TRAVESTY BY ULTIMATE SADISM!!!" Kuno leveled his bokken at the pigtailed redhead, "know this, Saotome's depravity ends once he is again in my sights. For his disfigurment of you, Kuno shall claim an eye for an eye!"  
  
Ranma finished upending the thermos over its head, and flashed the front of his crotch, "Sorry Kuno, someone beat you to it." Ranma then found himself rather relishing the kendoist's hysterical screams.  
  
"he... he just keeps doing it, he won't stop, h-he just won't..." Akane sobbed, huddled against the surrounding wall of the school, ignoring all around her and lost in her mumbled rants.  
  
Ranma drenched itself with cold water again, "Whatzamatter, Kuno? Don't you love your Pigtailed GODDESS anymore?" Ranma's pants dropped to thigh length, earning even louder wails from Kuno, in turn inciting Akane to loud moaning.  
  
Ranma was now grinning ear to ear, as the redhead watched Kuno crying while in a fetal position; this was just too good an opportunity to pass up, "Kuno-love, why don't you embrace your pigtailed Goddess? The power of our love will overcome all!!!" As soon as Ranma made a move for the Kendoist, Kuno was immidiately scrambling to escape. Not wanting any of the entertainment to get away, Ranma went in pursuit, gyrating its hips, "WAIT FOR ME! SWEETUMS!!!"  
  
"I hear you be a bad boy, keiki," Principle Kuno admonished, grinning at the pigtailed individual before his desk, "Bot' lil' Tate an 'Kane be ready fo' de funny farm, an' I be know'n you responsible fo' dis. Hinako say'n she find you chas'n m' boy around and giv'n him de fear of hells. Youuuu gonna get reeeaaaallllly punished fo' dis!"  
  
"Hey! I don't know what Akane's deal is, but that jerk had it coming to him!" Ranma defended.  
  
"How Akane have it com'n to her?" Principle Kuno asked.  
  
"No, the other jerk!"  
  
"Oh... well dat beside de point." The elder Kuno was now brandishing barber sheers, a styling comb, and styling mousse, "Now, before we begin wit' de School regulation mullet wit' de neon highlights, tell me what you do to Tate' and 'Kane?"  
  
Ranma sighed, "Well, it's kinda a long story, but the short of it is..." Ranma stood up, and dropped his pants, "This kinda happened not too long ago, and it's freaking people out."  
  
The Principle stared for the longest time, still wearing his cheesy grin, before it fell from his face as he put down his hair styling equipment gently on his desk. Removing his glasses, the eldest Kuno set them down, and began to massage his temples, "Saotome... go home."  
  
Ranma blinked, "Uh, what happened to your accent?"  
  
"Just... go home for today. Stay home for the rest of the week. In fact, don't come back until your 'condition' is rectified."  
  
"What? I'm being expelled?"  
  
"No, just leave... here..." Kuno swirved his chair around to the file cabinet, where he kept certain individual's school records on hand, "Take these with you."  
  
"Ah... my school records?" Ranma looked at the thick folder in confusion, what's this-"  
  
"Go. Now."  
  
"Alright, alright, sheesh!" Ranma stood up, and left the office, "Geez, though this ain't my fault!"  
  
Kuno continued to rub his forehead until Ranma was long gone, and picked up the phone, "Ms. Shibata? I'm going back to Hawaii. Inform the staff for me later, please." After hanging up the phone, the principle sighed, took out a briefcase, and began to pack what few personal belongings he kept with him at the school.  
  
"Stupid principle expelling me because the jerks overblow'n this outta proportion. Sheesh,they're act'n like it was a public monument that had been demolished or somet'n," Ranma grumbled, stepping into the Tendou home and removing his shoes, "I'm home!"  
  
"Ranma! What is the meaning of this!" Soun demanded, immidiately before the startled pigtailed martial artist's face.  
  
"Yes, boy, you have a lot to answer for!"  
  
"Great, now I gotta deal with you two," Ranma drolled, finding the mood dropping faster and faster through the day.  
  
"First I find Kasumi tied to her bed with a note from Nabiki saying not to untie her until Ranma's 'fixed'. Then I recieve a call from the school counsoler stating that she had referred Akane over to the psychiatric ward for fourty-eight hour observation, and then they tell me that you are not to come back to school until you have delt with 'personal issues'!"  
  
"What are these 'issues' you're having, boy?" Genma demanded, "You're not becoming more like a girl, are you?" Genma's eyes wandered south, checking Ranma's midsection for any peculiar blood stains.  
  
"Na, everyone's just going loopy because I found what I thought was a cure, and-"  
  
"You've found a cure?"  
  
Ranma turned towards the motherly woman who had just strolled in from the kitchen, "Is it true? My son shall now be a whole man?"  
  
"Eh..." Ranma chuckled nervously, "Lemme finish the story, befoe you get your hopes up, alright...?" 


	4. I have feelings, just like you

'Gender Neutral' 

Ranma took a step back, and another, "You know Mom... this is a bit extreme..."

"WE MUST KILL IT BEFORE IT TAKES ANOTHER FORM!!!" Nodoka screamed, as she used the sheath of the Saotome family sword to inch herself closer to the pigtailed eunuch. She was making fairly good clip, what with her progression being somewhat impeded by the two grown men dog piling her.

"CALM DOWN NODOKA," Genma attempted to reason, "I'm pretty sure the boy has a way to fix this!

When all eyes focused on Ranma, it merely shrugged, "Cologne said she would look into it."

After several moments of pause, Genma and Soun were forced to double their efforts in restraining Mrs. Saotome. Of course only meant they stopped her to crawling only twice as fast as before.

"Ah..." Ranma gulped, noticing the resolute and maddened gleam in the woman's eyes, "I-it wasn't like I was using it now, anyways..."

Both Genma and Soun went flying in opposite directions, as Nodoka came to standing; a violet furnace of rage burning around her, "Foul imperfect creature, the Saotome blade shall cleanse this plain of your presence..."

"But wait, Mo-" Ranma didn't get to finish, as the pigtailed... person was forced to begin evading a nicely honed edged, wielded by an unskilled, yet highly pissed off mother...

::KLANG!!::

"Hold it now, Sugar," the newcomer demanded, holding her own weapon in parry of Nodoka's sword, "Not like we've all haven't gotten the urge to off your son every once in a while, but maybe we should cool down for a bit."

"Thanks, Ucchan, you're a life saver!" Ranma breathed, though still weary of the straining auburn haired woman, as she continued her attempt to progress towards her child.

Ukyo did well to hide the strain in her voice, "No problem, hun. Thought I would bring you a snack while the restaurant was in its low period. What's going on, anyhow?"

"Ah, nothing much..." Ranma commented, shrugging.

Ukyo's eyes went wide, as she nearly buckled under the suddenly increased force against her from Nodoka, and the sudden, surprisingly mountain lion-like roar from the woman, "Uh, something tells me you're not being completely truthful with your cute fiancée..."

"Eh, thought I found a cure, didn't work out," Ranma said, easily.

"Uh-UGH-huh, and...?"

"I don't have a penis anymore."

Ukyo went rigid, yet was still able to hold off the obsessed Saotome mother. "Ah, could you hold a sec, Mrs. Saotome?" Ukyo requested. Nodoka nodded, and stood by calmly, as Ukyo turned to Ranma with the sweetest smile she could muster, "What?"

Ranma rolled his eyes, pretty sure Ukyo had heard, "My penis is gone, my pecker, meat shaft, duck sausage, pile driver, you getting all this, right?"

Ukyo blinked a couple of times, "I don't understand."

With a groan, Ranma's pants were dropped again, "Take a look for yourself..."

Ukyo's eyes involuntarily (well, not so involuntarily...) down to her fiancé's groin, and stared... stared long and hard. "Now do you get it?" Ranma enquired, hoping the point... or lack of a pointer, was made.

Ukyo suddenly turned away, blushing, "Ranma-honey, not until our wedding night!"

"I beg to differ, young lady, Ranma's marrying Akane!" Soun challenged.

"I don't think it's capable of marriage," Genma mumbled, once again awed by the potential idiocy his son... child... was capable of.

"Pop, you ain't helping matters," Ranma growled.

"SLAY IT WHILE IT'S DISTRACTED!!!"

"Neither are you, Mom," Ranma groaned. "Look, Ukyo..."

"Uh uh..."

Ranma sincerely wished he hadn't woken up today, "Ukyo..."

"No."

"Would you just-"

"Nein."

"What?"

"Nyet."

"I would have expected this least from yo-"

"Non."

"This is redicul-" Ranma ducked a sword slash, "WOULD YOU STOP THAT?!?"

"Vile demon!"

"Great, when the Kuno insanity fled, it sought refuge within my own mother..."

"Ah, son," Soun spoke up, hoping to calm the situation down, "What do you plan to do if Elder Cologne is unable to provide a solution?"

Of course, dousing the fire with confetti wasn't the best of ways...

Genma was the one on the save, "I know, we'll replace it!"

"Replace what?" Ukyo asked, innocently, ensuring to keep her eyes directed away from Ranma's whitewash.

"My penis Ukyo," Ranma answered with exasperation; if the pigtailed individual knew how much a hassle this new cure would be...

"But it's there, right there!" Ukyo proclaimed, pointing to Ranma's crotch.

"No, it isn't."

"Yes it is, you're just not looking hard enough!"

Ranma blinked, but decided that it would be best not to pursue that conversation. "It's not exactly a lost library book!" Ranma chose to retort at his father's idiotic idea.

"Great idea, we'll staple it into place!" Soun agreed, beaming at his compatriot's brilliant plan.

"NOW WAIT JUST A MINUTE, NOBODY'S STAPLING ANYTHING TO MY CROTCH!!!"

The pigtailed sexless one was ignored.

"You suppose Akane has any personal... novelties she would like to... ahem... provide for her future benefit?" Genma enquired, slightly flustered at the notion.

"Better use Kasumi's, it's bigger," Soun suggested.

"Oh, how about the garden hose?" Nodoka piped in.

"I thought you decided I was some kind of demon!"

The eunuch was ignored.

"Aren't you being a bit unrealistic?" Soun enquired.

"Oh, my son shall be so manly!"

"Waitaminute, how can I be manly with a hose attached to my bidness?"

"I'm not loooooking!" Ukyo stated, sweetly.

"That does it, you're all insane," Ranma stated, firmly, "I'll just camp out until Cologne gets back."

Ranma was... well... you know.

"But how will Ranma keep it hard?" Genma enquired.

* * *

Cologne stood within the mouth of the cave, deciding she didn't like the task before her. To face this... this one person to whom she very much wished she never had to see, and worst yet, beg him for his assistance...

She was very tempted to leave Ranma to the fates.

Alas, Shampoo would then be without her beloved, so what must be done, must be done.

"Who's there?" an elderly voice demanded.

"Toushi, I would have words with you," Cologne answered, far from interested in formalities.

"Eh...? The ancient man in the turban enquired, "Lotta gall in you, woman. Now get in the kitchen and make me a sammich!"

"You haven't changed a bit, have you," the Amazon Matriarch enquired, feeling the moments she had to spend with this idiot noticeably growing longer.

"And get me a beer while you're at..." A light of recognition lit up in his eyes, "Cologne-chan, is that you?" At the solemn nod, the old man chuckled, "Why, if that don't beat all! You look like squat shit!"

"And your breathing habit has gone on long enough," Cologne countered, "But before I remove it from you, I have one question..."

"How's Yun Fei doing these days? Staying outta trouble, I hope?

"Yun Fei's been dead for several decades, and has had his own GRANDCHILDREN since," Cologne quipped. "In fact, Shampoo stands to be my heir. Shampoo, your Great-Granddaughter, not that you cared to keep up with family matters. It would have been nice if you had at least WRITTEN to me once in a while..."

"Huh... and I didn't even get to play catch with him, how kids grow up these days..."

Cologne was uncharacteristicly in tears now, "You took my innocence, and left me with nothing!"

Silence reigned

"You know, I look at you now, and dearly wished you hadn't reminded me of that," the old man in the turban responded with distain.

Cologne was growing weary of Toushi's presence, "My question..."

"Alright, shoot!"

Cologne blinked; a gun would be rather convenient right now. "Oh, the question, right." The elderly woman took a deep breath, "You know that Jusenkyo 'cure' you got from us? The gag cure?"

"Yeah, what about it?"

"Could you, perhaps, give me the antidote? It would be very helpful right now."

"That? Oh I used that on my pancakes when I ran out of syrup."

Cologne's expression dropped even more so, "You did, didn't you?"

"HA! Almost had you going there, didn't I?" Toushi guffawed, glad to have pulled on over on the sharp minded old shrew.

Cologne balefully stared until he was done, "If you're quite finished..."

"Yeah, I am," he old man tossed Cologne a vial, "Here, for old time's sake. Though you should stop by some time for some good ol' luv'n like the good ol' days!"

"My plumbing has been retired, thank you," the old woman responded, as she watched the vial tossed to her land short, and burst open on the stone floor, "And I'm not falling for the 'Genital' gag, either."

Toushi blinked, "Genital? I take Centrum, see?" He held up a vial, displaying it for the old woman's pleasure.

Cologne blinked, before looking down at the shattered vial. Her expression was neutral when she looked up at her once, lover...

Before she left the cave, there would be one less old man existing in the world...


	5. In fact, I love you all

'Gender Neutral' 

Yet another day, another 16 hours of hell, presuming he... um... whatever... decided to say awake that long. It would be rather convenient to hibernate until this whole mess was over. Of course, knowing Ranma's luck, something would impede such a possibility...

Like the insane laughter emanating from outside the tent flaps.

"Just great," the pigtailed martial artist grumbled, "Whatta way to start the morning. Couldn't ya guys at least let me get some breakfast and hot water first?" Ranma sat up, as Kodachi poked her head into the tent, glaring balefully at her red headed nemesis. With a sigh, Ranma's eyes rolled, "So, I guess you heard, huh?"

In answer, Kodachi lunged forward, and drew down Ranma's boxers. Both sat there in the pregnant silence for several moments; Kodachi just staring, as Ranma glared at her with a hooded gaze, Suddenly, Kodachi began to giggle, causing Ranma to withdrawal from her, and pull up he... um... I guess 'her' since Ranma has red hair right now author; Damn it, now I'M getting confused ...boxers, "Yeah, laugh it all up, wouldya. At least your reaction was expected."

Kodachi's giggles grew, until she was in full blown laughter mode. Ranma sighed in dejection, as he watched the other girl roll around in hysterics, holding onto her stomach as if something were about to burst from it.

After a full minute, Ranma had had enough, "Alright already, you had your laugh, would you shut up and go away now?" Kodachi continued her laughter, though Ranma could hear signs of her voice growing hoarse, "Kodachi, it ain't that funny, even in your insane perspective." Kodachi continued to laugh, specs of blood sputtering onto her lips.

Ranma blinked, "Uh, Kodachi?" Ranma cautiously approached the laughing gymnast, and stepped back at the wide eyed and fearful expression on her face.

"It's good you got her to us in time," the doctor said, studying the case notes, "we have her on a heavy dosage of tranquilizers, and the breathing apparatus may not be necessary after a day or so. We may keep it there because..." the doctor chuckled, tossing the case notes away, "She can afford it anyways!"

"So, she's gonna be alright?" Ranma asked tentatively; 'she' may have not liked the youngest Kuno, but 'she' didn't want to see Kodachi die from her hysteria.

"I'm sure with more money involved; we'll keep her alive as long as possible!" The doctor smiled, "Now if you'll excuse me, I am going to go lavishly bathe in Champaign..."

Ranma gave one last look towards the catatonic Kodachi, before sighing, and leaving the hospital.

"So is true..."

Ranma stopped just short of entering the tent, having sincerely hoped that there would be no other interruptions as she hid from the world until Cologne returned, "Yes, it's true, Shampoo, you saw it for yourself."

Shampoo landed in the vacant lot Ranma was camping out in, "Shampoo no believe these two eyes. Send crazy girl to find out for Shampoo."

"You know she's in the hospital because of you, right? And she looked when I was a girl... or something... at the time."

Shampoo merely waived it off, "So, when husband get wood back?"

Ranma shrugged, "Your Great-Grandmother is looking into it. I admit I'm starting to really miss it, though. Pissing standing up is definitely a great privilege, and you won't believe how messy it gets coming from one orifice sometimes."

"Ah..." Shampoo touched Ranma's lips with her finger, "Husband shut up now, is okay?" The lavender haired girl turned away, tapping her finger against her chin, "So, if Great-Grandmother no find anything, you is stuck like this?"

"Hmm, now that you put it that way, yeah, I would be," Ranma replied, nonchalantly, before chuckling, "You know? Never thought about that, it would kinda suck, wouldn't it?"

"Is unacceptable," Shampoo sighed, "No bring husband back to village like this."

"Well, that's not hurting my feelings."

"No wang mean Shampoo be laughing stock of village. What Shampoo do with living Barbie doll? Dress up and play tea party?"

Ranma continued to stare after Shampoo before turning away, "I'm going back to sleep now. How about you be a darling spouse and make sure no one disturbs me, huh?"

"Shampoo need kill you, then."

Ranma poked 'her' head out the tent, "Huh?"

"If Ranma dead, Shampoo no disgrace with no-man man." Shampoo mused, thumbing her cheek, "is too embarrassing, yes?"

"Wataminute, you're gonna kill me because of this?" Ranma demanded incredulously.

"Shampoo no return to village without husband; Shampoo no return to village with husband who is no man." Shampoo nodded, and favored Ranma with a cute smile, "So, how Shampoo kill Ranma?"

"Uh, why don't you just chase me around with weapons like you did the last time?" Ranma enquired, before 'her' brain kicked her in the ass.

"Ranma no be silly, is too, too good for Shampoo to take on."

"Uh, thanks... I guess."

"Shampoo know!" She smacked her fist into the palm of her other hand in delight, "Poison you, yes?"

"Yes, you do that," Ranma replied with a hooded gaze, "And when, prey tell, do you plan to poison me?"

"Shampoo do it when you eat lu-..." Shampoo glared at Ranma, "No telling! It no work if Ranma know!"

"Well, I know you're gonna poison me, so it probably wouldn't work anyways," Ranma responded while rolling 'her' eyes.

"Then Shampoo think of new way kill Ranma, yes?"

Ranma nodded, "You do that, then you come tell me so I can help you, sound fair?"

Shampoo bubbled, and hugged Ranma, "You do that for Shampoo?"

"Sure, why not?"

Shampoo bounced about giddily, clapping her hands, "Shampoo be back to tell Ranma when have plan!"

"You do that, I'm going to sleep," with that, Ranma went back into 'her' tent.

"Ranma sleep good for when Shampoo kill, is okay?"

"Whatever," Ranma quipped, zipping up the front of 'her' temporary abode.

Ranma slumped onto the bedroll, and sighed, "I guess I better get this issue settled before somebody gets killed..."

Ranma just barely rolled away from the blade of a sword plunging into where 'her' head was.

"DAMN IT, MOM"

* * *

"Yes, the antidote, I... it is not that funny Sha Min. If you would stop rolling around the floor, laughing your infernal kiester off and... Oh, to the seven hells with you!" Cologne slammed the phone down, letting it rest in what was left of the cradle... and the stand it had sat upon. She was positive the reaction would be as such, but she was at a loss of what to do now. She knew of many different elixirs and their effects, but this was one she had never considered needing a cure for. Quite frankly before a few days ago, she would have been in the school of thought that anyone with a gender curse deserved what would be coming to them if they used this particular potion.

Actually, she still hadn't graduated from that particular school.

Unfortunately, leaving Ranma to his... her... its fate would then leave the Amazon matriarch having to contend with the incessant lamenting of her great granddaughter. Sometimes, life really... REALLY was a fu-er... screw job.

Cologne closed her eyes, and took a huff of the 'special herb' tobacco she had lit in her pipe; think of the devil, and it will curse you with its presence, "What is it, you freak of nature?"

"Hey!" Ranma retorted, before slumping; it's not as if she's acting any different than any one else around him just checking to see how your meeting with the old turban geezer went."

"I killed him," the Amazon matriarch replied calmly, as she closed her eyes and savored the invigorating and soothing effects of her tobacco smoke in her lungs.

"Uh, you what?"

"I killed him, I'm pretty positive you heard me the first time, eunuch-in-law."

"O...kay..." Ranma replied, "Why'd you do that?"

"Do I really need a reason?"

"And did you get the cure?"

"No."

Ranma double blinked, "You killed him instead of getting the cure?"

"I would have gotten the cure before I killed him."

"But didn't he know the cure?" the tamed horse enquired, feeling a bit of anxiety since this whole ordeal began.

"No, he did not know the cure; the cure is something of a secret within the Amazon tribe."

"Ah," the blank shooter began in comprehension, "so you killed him for stealing Amazon secrets?"

"No, I killed him because it was a highly carthic experience."

Nervousness now set in, "So... you getting the cure from your village? I kinda need it soon because everyone's now starting to act reallly wierd around me."

"I just can't see why," Cologne responded with a bland tone.

"..." Ranma shuffled slightly, not sure how to continue the conversation.

"..." the Amazon Matriarch replied, quite content with the living atrocity to mankind not saying anything else.

"Well, you gonna go get the cure soon?"

"I'm guessing people have been conspiring to staple phalluses to you?"

Ranma chuckled, "Yeah, I mean you know how uncomfortable it is sleeping on... your... stomach..." Ranma's voice faded, as Cologne suddenly pulled out a newly bought staple gun, and set it calmly and gently on the remnants of the telephone stand.

With a gulp, Ranma started backing away, "Well, I can tell you're busy with this, soI'llleaveyoualonebye!"

Cologne didn't respond, choosing to indulge in her special stock some more.


	6. Because you're my friends

'Gender Neutral'

Ranma breathed heavily, glad for the old fashioned blind-side by his buddy and rival Ryoga, and the proceeding throw-down that demolished the vacant lot his camping site was at, "Gotta hand it to ya, Ryoga, you sure know how to cheer a guy up!"

"No problem, huff, Ranma!" Ryoga returned trying to regain his wind. Even if he had sincerely been trying to kill Ranma, he was glad the pigtailed boy was looking a bit more cheerful than when Ryoga first tried to put his fist through the back of Ranma's head.

Ranma slumped against the fence, followed by Ryoga, "I mean, it hadn't been all that great a week so far. Everyone's been acting like I'm some sort of idiot leper or something, just because I lost it."

The fanged boy glanced sideways at Ranma, "Lost what?"

Ranma quickly thought about the consequences of Ryoga finding out, and decided him acting like his normal, clinically depressed and homicidal self was better than him acting freaked out and homicidal, "Uh, nothing important."

"What about Akane?"

"She's in the psychiatric ward for some psychotic thing or whatever."

Ranma tensed up at the growl coming from beside him, "Ranmaaaaa, what did you do to Akane? You better answer before I kill you, or I'll kill you!!!"

"I DIDN'T DO NUTT'N TO HER!" Ranma defended, "Well, not directly, at least. It still wasn't my fault!"

Ryoga stood on his second wind, "Ranma, it's ALWAYS your fault!"

"Actually," Ranma replied, not bothering to ready itself to defend against the eventual oncoming attack, "This is your fault..."

Ryoga's anger fizzled to only semi-berserker level, "Don't you dare pin your problems on me, Ranma! Because of you, I had seen hell!"

"Ryoga, Hell ain't even able to differentiate between needing to stand or sit to go to the bathroom."

"Now what the Hell you talking about?" Ryoga demanded, starting to become more confused than angry at Ranma's cryptic comments.

"Ever since that damned cure you found, people have been going freak'n nuts!"

"Ranma, even you're not stupid enough to start giving a cure to YOUR curse to people around you! What would be the sense in that?"

"No, you jerk, I took the cure!"

"Oh," Ryoga responded, settling down, glad that his pal and eternal bane of existence was happily cured, "So what's the problem?"

"This, THIS is the problem!" Ranma growled in frustration, pointing to his crotch.

Ryoga took a subtle slide away from Ranma, "Um, are you trying to solicit me, Ranma?"

"What? NO! Damn it, just LOOK!" Ranma proclaimed, standing up and dropping his pants. Ryoga found himself eye level with-

"Well, don't that beat all?" Ryoga commented, as he tilted his head. Both of then heard a gasp, causing Ryoga to turn around, and Ranma to look beyond the fanged boy kneeled in front of him to find a middle aged mother with three children staring, before the mother quickly ushered her children from the site, glaring at the two youths.

"So, that's all you gotta say?" Ranma quipped, for some reason feeling disappointed with his rival's luke warm response.

"I'm guessing this is a result of the cure?"

"How deductive of you," Ranma drolled.

"Well, I guess I feel sorry for ya," Ryoga stated, before standing up, and patting Ranma on the back, "Not really, this is actually pretty damn funny."

"Well, tell that to the rest of the fruit loops back there, planning on stapling garden hoses to my crotch," Ranma stated, jerking his thumb back behind him.

"Hold on, hold on a sec..." Ryoga interrupted, before suddenly pulling out a notebook, "Ranma... penis missing... staple garden hose"

"On top of that, my mom's trying to eviscerate me because she thinks I'm some imperfect demon, and Shampoo's starting to get creative with her attempts to kill me. Seriously, where did she get a 'rail gun' anyways? I thought those were only in videogames!"

"Mother... demon..." Ryoga paused, "Had anyone said any one liners? I'm not so good at writing those."

"Uh," Ranma paused, noticing Ryoga jotting down notes, "What are you doing?"

"Ranma, ol' pal, this is primetime material," Ryoga explained, calmly closing his notebook up, "I don't think I could make up something this hilarious!"

"What? So you're finding this funny?" Ranma didn't actually take serious affront to it, but it was the principle of it all."

"Would you rather me storm hammer on you for putting Akane in the shrink ward with your dead space?"

"Well... yeah!" Ranma had its second wind, and a calm Ryoga was creepier than a freaked out one.

"Well, I can't help you there, pal," the fanged boy chuckled, "I just can't work up the motivation to even flick you now."

"But... but... Akane!" Ranma attempted to invoke the name of his rival's unrequited love, hoping to break him of such a sanguine mood.

"I'll send her a card later," Ryoga shrugged.

"BUT DIDN'T YOU LOVE HER OR SOMETHING?"

"Well, I guess," Ryoga tilted his head, and mused, "Though, I think I love vindication better. So this is what bliss feels like?"

"Great, now I'm the depressed one here." Ranma slumped to the ground again, "So this is it for our rivalry? Who's supposed to keep me in form now?"

"Oh, Ranma, Ranma, Ranma," Ryoga started to pat Ranma on the back, before pausing, "Uh, your affliction isn't contagious, is it?"

Ranma favored his once rival with a baleful glare.

Ryoga smirked, put on a latex glove, and patted Ranma on the back; he really wasn't interested in making skin contact with the freak, anyhow, "Well, if dying a messy death by my hands matters that much to you, why don't I help you find a way of solving your ailment?"

Ranma perked up; if there was anyone who had been around whenever one of Ranma's problems were solved, it was Ryoga, "Really? Wow, you really are a pal!"

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" Ryoga quickly backed away, before clearing his throat, "I mean, thought about modern science? I heard Gender correctional surgery is big in Brazil."

"It ain't like I got money for a surgery or flying to Brazil," Ranma retorted, irritated by the inane idea.

"Well, if you lead the way to Dr. Tofu, he may be able to give us one or two ideas."

"Hey... I never thought about that!" Ranma considered, "In fact, when was the last time we saw Dr. Tofu?

"Volume 12."

Ranma blinked, "Huh?"

"After Happosai took your strength, remember?" Ryoga reminded him, "Anyways, we're wasting time. So either you let me get on my way so I can get pissed drunk in celebration, or we head to the good doctor's to get you fixed!"

"Fine, let's get this show on the road!" Ranma proclaimed, standing with new vigor and resolve. The pigtailed gender anomaly paused for a sec, "Ah, they're not gonna just try to staple a hose to me, are they?"

"Oh gods, I sure do hope so!" Ryoga happily retorted, jotting down on his notepad. What NBC wouldn't pay for this sitcom gem.

* * *

"For the last time, Shampoo, I told you the rail gun is only for authorized matriarchs only!" Cologne chastised her great granddaughter, before slamming the camouflaged case closed, then padlocking it, "Now, retire to your room and ponder your actions; ammo for this thing is expensive!"

Shampoo nodded, chastised, before heading up the stairs. Once the teenage girl was out of sight, Cologne sighed; if she knew her heir intended to just write Ranma off, she would have washed her hands of the situation the moment Akane forced hi- Ranma to drop his pants.

"Oh, what a bother," the Amazon Matriarch grumbled, before picking up her new phone from the wall mount, "Cat Cafe, we are closed at the... oh, good evening Gui Do, how's the family? I see, so business is still lucrative? Slow down, your accent is hard to understand, sometimes. Why you insist on it is beyond me, you're not even Italian! Oh? OH! Well won't son-in-law be pleased! How did you...? Uh huh... car battery... wack-a-mole... but what about the squeegee? Very good! So you'll send it over for a favor? Yes, I'm sure he'll be agreeable to do the hit after this. Warning? So no sort of mutilation whatsoever to the area affected? Well, we've all been threatening it, I don't think anyone would be successful with stapling anything or such there. Yes, yes, I bid you a good evening, then."

Cologne hung up the phone, glad this whole ordeal was about to be over, "Son in law, what would you do without me"

* * *

"WE NEED AN AMBULANCE HERE, NOW!!!" Tofu screamed over the phone; barely able to keep hold of it with his trembling hands.

"Uh, this really isn't a medical emergency, doc," Ranma attempted to explain, as it pulled its pants back up, and studiously ignored Ryoga rolling around on the ground in hysterics.


	7. You are my friends, right?

Gender Neutral

Cologne knocked on the door of the Tendou home, feeling somewhat more relieved that this nightmare was close to being finished. All she had to do was tell the freak that she found a way to revert his ailment, and not to do anything stupid like jam a pencil into his full frontal failure, and then she can drink and smoke herself into a stupor that would last until the package arrived.

It wasn't long before the door opened, "Oh, hello Elder Cologne."

The Matriarch found herself standing before Ranma's mother, "Hello Nodoka, I'm here for your so-, er, it… um… how should I refer to it in a way you would be comfortable with while remaining properly descriptive?"

Mrs. Saotome's expression darkened and the reminder of her child, "That thing is not my child."

The Matriarch tilted her head to the side, "I take it you're not happy with your son's antics this time? Why, you look mad enough to kill!"

"It's fast at running," Nodoka admitted, feeling somewhat morose over her failure at demon slaying.

"Well, if you would like me to try…" Cologne had to quickly remind herself what she really was there to do, "I mean, if you can point me in the direction it went to…"

"Well, last I saw the demon it was heading west, sooooo," Nodoka perked up, "Oh! I know where it went!"

"And that is…"

"To hell, it definitely went to hell!" The Saotome wife beemed at her deductive skills.

"Is there someone else here that perhaps isn't suffering from manic delusions brought on by psychological shock?" Cologne enquired, "Even if that is a stretch…"

"My husband went to look for it under the bridge, Soun decided to check at Ukyo's, Nabiki went to your restaurant, and Kasumi's heavily sedated right now."

"Then perhaps I shall ask the young Dr. Tofu if Ranma's come to him for advice," the Amazon Matriarch considered, before turning away. "Until another time, Mrs. Saotome."

* * *

"It's going to be okay, Ranma, I promise everything will be okay," the good doctor Tofu kept chanting, most likely more to himself than his current ward, as the ambulance broke traffic laws as if it were a matter of life and death.

"Really, doc, this is just getting asinine," Ranma insisted, unable to move with the hundred and fifty kilos of chains, coupled with the chi suppression shiatsu points Tofu activated. Why did the damn doctor have to be that damn fast when hysterical?

"My poor boy, my poor, poor boy, I just need you to be brave, okay? Just stay with us, and this'll be over soon." Tofu spoke as soothing as possible, "DAMN IT, CAN YOU MAKE THIS THING GO ANY FASTER?!?"

"Doc, I think they're going too fast as it… is that an old lady plastered against the windshield?" The frantic ambulance drive turned on the wipers to remove the visual obstacle.

"No, Ranma, every second counts," the doctor said with a steely resolve, "I won't lose you. You hear me? I. WILL. NOT. LOSE. YOU!!!"

Ranma felt every punctuation in his tone, as each syllable was pounded into his gut like two fists. "Not if you kill me first!" the atrocity in God's eyes shouted, getting its breath back. "Geez, whatta week…"

* * *

Cologne glared down at the laughing fanged boy with a hooded gaze, "If you could perhaps find a moment or two between your hysterics to tell me what transpired?"

"S-sorry, e-e-elder," Ryoga responded, attempting to get himself under control, "But you wouldn't believe this one! I mean, Ranma, and his penis, and garden (snicker) garden hoses! And then Tof-snort-Tofu went all like 'OH MY GOD' and then he ran into the wall trying to get to the phone, and then, then…" Ryoga couldn't continue anymore, falling into hysterics once again, simply holding out the script he had been writing.

The Amazon Matriarch took it from him, quickly skimming through to the end, before hanging her head with a resigned sigh "Of course, an emergency sex change operation, of all the things that could happen next?" Rolling her eyes to the heavens, "Seriously, which one of you did Ranma piss off bad enough for all this?" At lack of any divine signs, Cologne shrugged, "It was probably that fool father of his that brought this upon him, I wouldn't be-"

At that moment, the small Shinto shrine to Amatseru in Tofu's office fell from the shelf, The painting of Venus fell from the wall, The baas relief of the Virgin Mary on the wall seemed to glow brighter, and the porcelain statuette of the Norse Goddess Freyja fell onto its side, and an inn table book of Egyptian deities was opened up by a gust of wind to a picture of Bastet, then spontaneously combusted.

The elder looked around her, as Ryoga began to laugh harder, "Well, now that we know where blame is due…" The matriarch dashed for the door, then leapt to the rooftops, "Blast it all, hopefully I'm not too late. If I only I knew what direction they…"

The matriarch came to a stop at the edge of a roof, and looked at the path of destruction before her, "I suppose it wouldn't be too much to presume that this trail would lead me to Ranma." She followed the disaster trail, ignoring the agonized pleas and wails about asshole ambulance drivers.

* * *

"HURRY, WE NEED THIS PERSON PREPPED FOR SURGURY, STAT!" Tofu nearly screamed, rolling the gurney with Ranma chained on it into the emergency entrance.

Two nurses quickly came to intercept the Neriman doctor, what's the emergency?" The male and female nurse ran frantically to keep pace with Tofu, and looking down at the apparently annoyed pigtailed, androgynous young man chained onto it. "There doesn't seem to be anything wrong with him."

"NOTHING WRONG?!?" Tofu flipped up the front of the hospital smock Ranma had been hastily wrapped in. The two nurses didn't find an apparent wound.

They found something much worse.

The female nurse let out a shrill scream, as the male nurse hunched over to vomit. When it was noted the first two nurses couldn't keep up, another set joined Tofu, while keeping their eyes diverted from the emergency in order to remain professionally cool. "Get a nurse an operating room ready ASAP! WE DON'T HAVE TIME TO LOSE!"

"But we don't have an anesthesiologist available!" One of the nurses insisted, "They're all busy or off duty!"

"Damn it, we don't have TIME to wait for one! This boy's life is on the line here!"

"I'll go call a surgeon," One of the nurses began to run off, only to have his arm caught.

"No," Tofu said in a grave voice, "Not just any surgeon will do…"

"Then, who?"

Tofu's raised his face, causing the halogen lights to reflect off of his glasses ominously, "We need… the Kiseki Chiimu Gekai Senshi!"

Everyone gasped, as Tofu nodded, and pushed his glasses further onto his nose. "It's the only way."


End file.
